SOME EXAMPLES OF HOW YOU CAN FIND A HURRICANE BOYFRIEND:
1. Go to the grocery store. You need to do this anyway because all you have is one bottle of pink wine and some Sriracha peas, and you’ve gotten to the part of the can where the weird preservative packet that you’re not supposed to eat lives and that makes you wonder if you should eat the peas, either. While you’re at the store, take note a handsome fellow with a lot of tomatoes in his grocery cart (make sure he has a real cart, not one of those little baskets — more manly) and ask him what he’s planning to make with all those tomatoes. If he says anything stewed, move along, and find a guy with a large bottle of Sriracha. Do not go for the guy with the 24 pack of toilet paper and the 48 bottles of Poland Spring. He is mine.
2. All along, you have been passing on guys who live smack dab in the middle of Queens because of their geographical “undesirability.” All that changes now! Go to the middle of Queens. Go now, before the subways stop running. Bring your go-bag, complete with its latex gloves and tweezers. Never have you been more prepared for the middle of Queens. Go!
3. If all else fails, stay at home and watch Animal Planet until the power goes out, then text anyone who lives marginally nearby but not in a evacuation zone and ask them nicely to come over and make out with you, and to bring whatever booze they have on hand, too. It’s only gentlemanly.
Why didn’t I think of this when I was at Trader Joe’s?
